I’m packing. And sorting. And saving some things and tossing others. It’s a good opportunity to make a fresh start.
* * *
January 16, 2002
There comes a day when you realize what really made them shine, what made them so special was you. As time passes and you grow apart, the last flashes, the last sparks of what you felt are the embers of the heart that *you* put there.
People are nothing until you see them. Love is a reflection of what you see there – not necessarily something real, a thing in itself, but your perception of it. We live our entire lives surrounded by our perceptions, within them. We are betrayed by our own illusions because we see what we want to see. And if we desire not to see and desire it strongly enough, we don’t see.
Falling out of love unwillingly is trying to block out the light in a sun bright room.
* * *
February 15, 2002
When we finally break up I feel as if I have spent most of our relationship preparing for this day. I am relieved that the expected has finally come to pass. Simultaneously, my stomach drops to the floor and I am stunned past sadness. Some dissociated part of me wonders how I can feel so bad when I knew this was going to happen all along.