From the archives

I’m packing.  And sorting.  And saving some things and tossing others.  It’s a good opportunity to make a fresh start. 

* * *

January 16, 2002

There comes a day when you realize what really made them shine, what made them so special was you.  As time passes and you grow apart, the last flashes, the last sparks of what you felt are the embers of the heart that *you* put there.

People are nothing until you see them.  Love is a reflection of what you see there – not necessarily something real, a thing in itself, but your perception of it.  We live our entire lives surrounded by our perceptions, within them.  We are betrayed by our own illusions because we see what we want to see.  And if we desire not to see and desire it strongly enough, we don’t see.

Falling out of love unwillingly is trying to block out the light in a sun bright room.

* * *

February 15, 2002

When we finally break up I feel as if I have spent most of our relationship preparing for this day.  I am relieved that the expected has finally come to pass.  Simultaneously, my stomach drops to the floor and I am stunned past sadness.  Some dissociated part of me wonders how I can feel so bad when I knew this was going to happen all along.


4 thoughts on “From the archives

  1. “When we finally break up I feel as if I have spent most of our relationship preparing for this day.”

    Yeah, this.

    Something on NPR this past weekend. Neuroscientist claiming that humans forget about almost all traumatic thing which happen to them within three months. I’d say I only wish it were that easy, but a couple of years after a breakup I found myself sending the girl a copy of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, letting her know that no matter how dark that time was, I would never consider trading that hurt for time we spent together.

    I guess that would be easier in the short run, but to me, ultimately more depressing. So, anyhow, be careful about what you toss out. Sometimes, we need some reminders.

    Though, more to your point:

    What I was seeing wasn’t
    What was happening at all
    Although for a while our path did seem to climb

    But when you see through love’s illusions
    There lies the danger
    And your perfect lover, just looks like a perfect fool

    So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
    While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
    Like a fountain from a pool

  2. I am excited to know a new homeowner! How I wish I could be there for the housewarming! I must visit Illinois soon!

    Your archives! 12 years ago. I wonder what else has changed? And what has not?

  3. Do they forget, thumerzs, or do they remember without the same intensity? I find that if/when I write things down I can relive some of the intensity, but I don’t need to keep those reminders around either. I can rewrite them, as I’m sure my brain has rewritten the memories over the years.

    Thanks for the song.

  4. CSEC – you can come warm my house anytime. I don’t see why we need to limit ourselves to a date. No one can ever make it all on one date anyway – schedules are so complicated. Scheduling people seems more and more like herding cats to me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s