Your doodly whatsit will not scroll

Jesus Christ, WP, fix your shit.

Everyone around me is – again- obsessed with weight loss. It is both infuriating and motivating and I have a lot of EMOTIONS about it. I am despondent and furious and determined all at the same time. And I HATE it. I wish that I didn’t care. I wish that no one HAD to care. I wish that I didn’t love peanut butter *quite* as much as I do. Probably that would make everything easier.

We have this Wellness committee at work and their current project is a weight loss challenge through the local fitness center (the one I happen to belong to). A bunch of my coworkers joined. Which means that every time I go into the break room to fill my water bottle, someone is talking about how much weight they’ve lost or how GOOD or BAD they’ve been, or they’re bemoaning the presence of the leftover pastries from the Senior Coffee. And I am thinking, “La, la, la, I can’t hear you.”

I am a little envious of the successes, because I was one of them a few years ago and I kept being surprised and astonished by that success AND the fact that people – mostly strangers to me – noticed. Actually, that was a little creepy sometimes, depending on who was doing the commenting. And the whole time, I felt like actually talking about it would somehow jinx it. A common question I got was, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING??” And if people said, “You look AMAZING,” I wondered how bad I’d looked before. BAD. REALLY BAD. The thing that worked was logging everything exhaustively – basically calorie counting – in an app, which takes time and effort and diligence. And after several years of doing that I was SO.DONE. But not doing it and eating whatever the hell I want whenever I want was a good way to gain some of it back. Which is, of course, disheartening. And the strangers are mostly silent now – having witnessed my FAILURE. Except for that swimming instructor who keeps trying to give me her old bathing suit. “What size are you?” Let’s not talk about that, shall we?

So, after getting upset again with my lack of progress in this particular endeavor (which, I honestly haven’t been giving the old college try except to exercise like a fiend – this is great, except you don’t lose weight if you promptly consume all the calories you’ve lost!), and upset because other people ARE succeeding, I had a talk with myself about how I could easily fix all of this angst by making an actual effort and doing what I did before. Presumably it will work again and I can stop bellyaching about all of this and feel HAPPY for others who are, likewise, doing well. Envy, you are irritating – go away.

Also, biking season? Right around the corner. Yay.

* * *
Back in November there was another fitness challenge at work that involved setting 3 fitness goals and maintaining them for 3 months. Mine were to exercise 60 minutes a day (no problem, since I usually do that anyway), stretch for 15 minutes a day (I have a harder time doing this because I would rather spend the energy burning more calories, but my body is cranky and sore a lot because I DON’T stretch enough), and add 60 minutes of weight training to my week (mostly focusing on upper body since I get a lot of lower body exercise in the pool and on the elliptical trainer, and to address the upper body weakness I’ve experienced since I fractured my elbow a couple years ago – it has taken a hit and whatever I’ve been doing to compensate has been causing my shoulder to hurt).

I’ve kept up with all of those goals since November, and am happy to report that my shoulder is much better. I’d been thinking of seeing a physical therapist to work on the elbow/shoulder problem exclusively, but I seem to have figured it out on my own. During this time I also read about MAT (muscle activation technique) which uses muscle stimulation to remind your muscles how to move and interact – this can be useful for people who have suffered injuries and whose bodies have found other ways to compensate which aren’t efficient. There’s a trainer/PT who does this at the facility (my gym has a couple of locations that are convenient to me) in town, whom I may contact in the future if the problem persists.

* * *
Why is everyone so old?

Oberon has been talking about foot pain recently and has diagnosed himself with plantar faciitis. My mom had a terrible experience with this when she flew out to visit me in Baltimore. I made her walk everywhere (I didn’t have a car), and at one point she was shouting out to the world that her daughter was abusing her. I have now had several experiences with it myself, so I know that it can be very painful.

Pain is a weird thing, though. People’s thresholds are very different and you can never really crawl inside of someone else’s head/body and feel what they are feeling. You have to rely on their reports of those experiences. When I had my Jone’s fracture, the people at the hospital couldn’t believe I was walking on it. It hurt a lot, but there were ways to move it so that I could still put some weight on it. I think we get accustomed to carrying some kinds of pain and after awhile they are just “normal.”

I’m still getting some little twinges from my thumb after the bathroom incident in January. DOOM. It’s much better than it was, though. I’d really like to keep my skeleton (and other bits) intact if at all possible.


5 thoughts on “Your doodly whatsit will not scroll

  1. “Everyone around me is – again- obsessed with weight loss. It is both infuriating and motivating and I have a lot of EMOTIONS about it. I am despondent and furious and determined all at the same time. And I HATE it. I wish that I didn’t care. I wish that no one HAD to care. I wish that I didn’t love peanut butter *quite* as much as I do. Probably that would make everything easier.”

    So much this. Except substitute chocolate for peanut butter.

    My stupid foot gets just better enough just long enough for me to think maybe it will be ok, maybe I don’t need to set aside valuable time to go get it checked and pay someone money I can’t afford so they can put me on a treatment I also can’t afford, especially if it means not being able to work, or some kind of drastic lifestyle change. JUST WORK, BODY, OKAY??? But I have to admit that not being able to move faster than a quasimodo lurch is rapidly becoming a drastic lifestyle change.

    It also frustrates me a bit that people keep giving me advice, when what I really want is just acknowledgment that this is AWFUL and makes me angry at my body for betraying me and afraid that my life will be impaired forever. I can get advice from a medical professional, right now I just want someone to recognize that my emotional pain is worse by far than the physical pain.

    We are Old, Father William =\


  2. Everyone cares about you, O., and wants you to heal. Also everyone seems to have done their time with plantar faciitis. All the Advice shall be yours. I get the please sympathize with my pain thing, though. People just want to fix everything. Everyone does it. *squish*

  3. I can’t even tell you when mine went away. I know there was a lot of wow, that really hurts. And then I guess it didn’t anymore and I went back to doing things.

    I felt that same body betrayal when I tore my ACL and realized I was never going to be able to do a lot of things again. Like play badminton competitively, or run without pain. It sucks. In that sense, I’ve been physically old since I was 20.

  4. Yeah. I totally get the advice thing, I’m not mad about it, I do it all the time myself, despite trying to catch it. I just wanted some damn sympathy.

    It’s also possible (likely) I was a bit petulant. Fear-Anger (possibly the only real kind) reduces me to This Many.

    Why are we so fra-gi-le?

  5. I think one has to lead off with, “I just want some DAMN SYMPATHY” in those situations. Or you get fixed. *fixing squish*

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